5 Relationship Myths

If you were all alone in the universe with no one to 
talk to, no one with which to share the beauty of the stars,
 to laugh with, to touch, what would be your purpose in life?

It is other life, it is love, which gives your life meaning.


Mitsugi Saotome

Relationships are an essential part of our lives. Through our relationships we learn to grow and discover the reflections of our best selves in those around us. But there are also some common beliefs about relationships that get us hung up, so let's take a moment to explore a few of the biggest myths about relationships.

1. There is Only One Person for You

If this was true then you would still be dating your second grade crush! This is one of the greatest myths and the one that causes so many relationships to turn bitter and sour, and in the worst case scenario, it keeps people together when they are miserable. 

We don’t get only “one” person, we get to choose who remains a part of our life when that relationship is the most loving, fulfilling, and purposeful. Life is in constant motion, and since life is constantly changing, so are we. In relationships, we change individually and we also change together—or we don't. We can continue to choose the same person over and over again, but we are not obligated to stay in any relationship that’s not adding to our growth. Healthy relationships are always based in freedom, not obligation. If your relationship is starting to crack, look at where you need to be more flexible, loving, and understanding. Communication is key. Listen to one another, ask for what you need, be respectful, and always keep both of your best interests in mind. Relationships are, indeed, a two-way street!

2. "I’ve had a tough life, and a relationship will help heal my wounds."

While it is true that your relationships will bring up everything in your life that is unhealed or broken (emotionally or spiritually), you do not want to use your relationship/partner to heal you—that is something you need to do for yourself. If you rely on your partner to fix you, you’ve not taken responsibility for yourself—and when we rely on someone else for our happiness, we cannot ever be truly happy. Happiness always begins within you.

3. Being in a Relationship is Better Than Being Alone

Not if it’s a bad relationship! Remember: relationships are opportunities for us to connect with like minds and spirits in order to understand ourselves and explore our potential to create a larger experience. If you are using a relationship to mask loneliness (which is based in fear, not love) your relationship may allow you to temporarily forget your loneliness, but loneliness will still be there. Being in a healthy relationship with yourself reduces loneliness. Also, by staying involved in a relationship that's not helping you grow you cannot attract a healthy relationship that will—you already have that vacancy filled! Only when you have created the space for something healthy can it step into your life.

4. In Relationships, Opposites Attract

Personalities with opposing attributes may attract at first (simply due to the variety and contrast they bring), but rarely sustain. Having a range of different qualities and interests can certainly be appealing—especially when first meeting someone—but in the long run you will need to find more common ground on which to walk together. Use your differences to teach one another about aspects of yourself you have yet to explore, and use your relationship to mutually help each other grow. Focus on your differences as strengths, and whether you agree or not, always be respectful.

5. "I’ve tried being in a relationship, but I always seem to mess things up."

You will get what you intend. When looking at past relationships, examine why you went into the relationship in the first place. To fill a void in your life? Take the place of something you didn't have? Find someone to take care of?

Entering a relationship out of "lack" will just bring more of it. Start by developing a healthy relationship with yourself before going into a relationship with another. If you're already in a relationship and need to find more balance, take time out for yourself—find peace with yourself, your past, and your decisions. If you believe that you will “mess up” a relationship, your beliefs will fuel your attitudes, actions, and words, and direct you into sabotage mode. In time, the relationship will, indeed, fail—it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Set your course for success! Believe that you deserve and will have positive, loving relationships.

As we enter into the summer of 2014, choose to create healthy and happy relationships in all areas your life and watch the results. After all, it's your choice.

To Your Better Balance!

Michael Thomas Sunnarborg


Find better balance in your life, relationships, and work. 
Visit 21daystobetterbalance.com and learn more.
 

Power of Choice

 It is not our abilities that show
who we truly are, it is our choices.
Albus Dumbledore, Harry Potter
J. K. Rowling

One of our biggest gifts is the ability to choose. In every moment we choose what to give our attention, focus, and energy—and most importantly, our responses to what is happening around us. The outcomes of our choices, in turn, create our reality. Our choices stem from our thoughts and feelings—and as Neale Donald Walsch states in his brilliant book series, Conversations with God, "Feelings are the language of the soul."

Stop and think for a moment about the connections:

• Feelings create thoughts;
• Thoughts create words;
• Words create actions;
• Actions create character;
• Character creates our life path.

 

If we are, indeed, choosing in every moment, think about what life path you are creating? Is it a story of joy, fun, and adventure, or is it a tedious tale of anger, stress, and disappointment? The power of choice allows us to create the reality we truly wish to create, regardless of what is happening around us.
 
Here’s a simple 3-step process to help you consciously activate your power of choice and begin to create a reality for yourself that contains what you truly desire:

1. Decide. Think about what you really want and begin to make choices that are in-line with those desires. Many people are on autopilot and not taking time to decide what they really want. If you continue to accept your life events "by default" then stop complaining when things consistently don't turn out the way you intended. You need to decide what brings you true joy and happiness, and then focus only on those things.

2. Declare. Start writing and talking about what you'd like and what you want to create—tell your friends and family members. Just like fire, intentions spread and grow when you start talking about them. Stating your intentions kick-starts the process of creation and gives you the momentum and passion to achieve what you want.

3. Demonstrate. I'm sure you've heard the phrase, "Fake it 'til you make it"? This action is part of becoming and moving into your reality as you create it. Demonstrating your intention by acting as if you already have what it is that you truly want puts you in line with receiving it—by thinking the thoughts of what you want, you will start feeling them, speaking them, acting them, and eventually your intentions must appear in your reality. That is the creative process.

Also, an important follow-up and a key step during the creative process is to remember to be grateful for what you already have. Gratitude is a vital part of completing the circle of creation. Be thankful and appreciate whatever it is that you do receive, for every gift is a step towards your next creation.

To Your Better Balance!

Michael Thomas Sunnarborg

Find better balance in your life, relationships, and work. 
Visit 21daystobetterbalance.com and learn more.

What About Abundance?

 

Last week I was coaching a client about her fears of abandonment. It felt to her that every time she became involved in a relationship, she would start recycling old fears of rejection, which would ultimately bring up her abandonment issues. Whereas the roots of her feelings of abandonment were a topic she was slowly unraveling with her therapist, she wanted to pair her therapy work with coaching advice for moving forward with her life as she continued down the path of healing.

Abandonment and rejection are both based in lack. When there is any feeling of "lack" in our experience—lack of money, time, or even love—it simply means we're choosing to believe there is not enough. Feelings of lack are the opposite of feelings of abundance. If you believe in abundance, there is always enough—enough money, enough time, enough love. Believing in abundance means you will always have all that you need regardless of how you will get it, including being loved in relationships. A fear of lack translates to, "There is not enough, They are not enough," or "I am not enough." A spirit of abundance says, "There is always enough, They are enough," and "I am enough." If someone in your life cannot give you the love you need, someone else can. There is always enough love.

For my client, the awareness of what she was focusing on could either propel her into more of the same feelings of lack, or by becoming aware of this pattern she could reframe her belief to one of "always enough." Her relationship was bringing her the opportunity to face her old beliefs and re-examine their validity. Are these fears still true? Are these beliefs helping or hurting her?

What do you want in your life—a fear-based belief that says, "There is not enough," or an abundance-based belief that says, "There is always enough?" Remember: It's always your choice.

To Your Better Balance!

Michael Thomas Sunnarborg
Find better balance in your life, relationships, and work. 
Visit 21daystobetterbalance.com and learn more.

Spring Cleaning Your Life

As we do each season, my friend Shawn and I were reflecting last week on the change into Spring. Even though Minnesota just had a late winter blast of 8 inches of snow on Friday (oi!), the temperature has since shot back up and the snow is finally melting. On behalf of the rest of Minnesota, can I just say, "Whew!"

As hearty Minnesotans and others from the Midwestern states begin emerging from their caves of winter hibernation, Spring cleaning begins. Not only is Spring a time to clean the house, the garage, and rid those old dusty closets and of their clutter, but Spring is also a good time to clean-up your personal life and reduce the emotional "clutter".

"Emotional clutter?" you ask. Yep. Just like old clothes and unused shoes, old unresolved feelings of anger, jealousy, pain, or any other emotions can linger around, collect dust, and take up valuable space in our lives. Stale thoughts and worn out beliefs can weigh us down and impede our ability to make healthy decisions

"Okay okay," you say. "I'm starting to follow your analogy. But how do I 'Spring clean' my life?" Start by thinking two simple things:

1) What is working. Whatever is "working" in your life are those aspects (thoughts, feelings, beliefs, relationships) that are serving you—they are in alignment with who you are. Actions and changes made in these areas will have powerful effects on your well-being

2) What is not working. Whatever aspects are "not working" in your life are giving you information about where to place your focus and make changes, or clean it up.

Regardless of the time of year, is it time to Spring clean areas of your life? I think you'll find that with focus, patience, and courage, Spring cleaning can be a time of powerful change resulting in feelings of relief, happiness, joy, contentment, and better balance. It's your choice!

To Better Balance,

Michael Thomas Sunnarborg

Find better balance in your life, relationships, and work. 
Visit 21daystobetterbalance.com and learn more.

The Power of Focus

The shorter way to do many things
is to do only one thing at a time.
Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart

Last week I was driving in a (what I hope is our last) snowstorm. As I barreled through the windy whiteness, my complete attention was on maintaining my course and staying on the road. Several cars along the way had already slipped off the icy road and into the ditch, but I'd decided that wasn't going to be my fate—not today. I needed to stay focused, and that is what got me home.

In our busy world, we may often find it challenging to focus our attention. Since our minds have difficulty concentrating on more than one thing at a time, prioritizing what we focus on becomes increasingly important. Focus involves concentration, which comes when we have fewer distractions. We have the ability to limit our distractions by using our power of choice.

Focus is like RAM (random access memory) in a computer. The more programs that are running simultaneously, the less efficiently RAM operates. Eventually the computer’s performance becomes sluggish, or in a worst-case scenario, it crashes. Similarly, the more ideas, tasks, and responsibilities we are thinking about, the less capacity we have to stay focused. Our brain can also overload and, like the computer, “crash.”

So to help maintain our focus, we can simplify our distractions. Just like closing computer programs, we can reduce clutter by prioritizing our activities, choosing how and with whom we spend our time and energy, and by expressing our thoughts and feelings through speaking or writing. Activities such as journaling, making lists, and jotting notes throughout the day are great ways to make more space for new thoughts, increasing our creative capacity and helping us to maintain our focus.

This week, practice focus. Simplify your activities and reduce your distractions. And when you are performing a task or speaking with a friend or colleague, give them your full attention. See how learning to maintain your focus will have a powerful effect on your sense of balance. It's your choice.

To Better Balance!

Michael Thomas Sunnarborg

Find better balance in your life, relationships, and work. 
Visit 21daystobetterbalance.com and learn more.

Nourish Your Spirit

We need silence to be able to touch souls. 
Mother Theresa

Each of us is a tri-part being comprised of a mind, body, and spirit. The voice of our mind is our thoughts; our bodies gives us feedback in the form of feelings; and our intuition is the language of our spirit—our connection to God, Source Energy, Creator, the Universe, or whichever name you use to describe the power that connects us all. With practice we can become aware of our thoughts and feelings, but our intuition is quiet and often difficult to hear. Getting in touch with our intuition can be achieved by using silence to create a space for our intuitive voice to be heard.

Silence is like a spiritual retreat or a healing center—a place where we can go to be alone and reconnect with ourselves. While traditional counseling is healing for the mind and physical therapy is healing for the body, silence is healing for the spirit.

You can create a space for silence by simply unplugging from the world and turning down the noise. Technology provides us with powerful means for connecting with others, but the point of silence is to connect with yourself. At first it may seem like you are missing out, but unplugging for periods of time will raise your frequency—and over time, can significantly strengthen and enrich your personal connections. When we lower the volume on the outside of our lives, we raise the volume on the inside. In silence we can discover the true benefits of being still and listening to the calm rhythm within.

This week, spend some time in silence and notice the benefits. Silence can be achieved by doing something as simple as taking a walk by yourself after lunch, or by just closing your eyes for 5 minutes during an afternoon break. By practicing a little bit of silence each day, you can learn to appreciate the value of stillness; and taking time to nourish your spirit will always bring more balance to your mind and body.

To Better Balance!

Michael Thomas Sunnarborg

Find better balance in your life, relationships, and work. 
Visit 21daystobetterbalance.com and learn more.

Reboot Your Body

 Your body is a temple, but only if you treat it as one.
Astrid Alauda

The body is like a car. Cars come in different shapes and sizes, colors, makes, and models. But all cars have three things in common: They are unique, they require fuel, and each needs a driver. Keeping a car running smoothly and in alignment requires regular maintenance including oil changes, fluid checks, and replacing parts when necessary. Regular cleaning helps reduce rust and keeps the body strong.

Like a car, the human body comes in assorted shapes, sizes, and colors. Our bodies require fuel in the form of food and drink, and each of us has a driver in charge of operation and maintenance. A body neglected will not operate efficiently. We can care for our body by fueling it with foods that support strength and good health; we can schedule regular check-ups for health and wellness; and we can choose to keep our bodies clean, fit, and strong.

This week, make a commitment to paying attention to your body. Select foods that taste good, feel good, and resonate with your body's natural energies. Move naturally by taking the stairs instead of the elevator; take a walk at lunch or after work; if it's cold out, go to the mall and window shop as you get in some extra steps; pay attention to how you feel as your breathe; drink an extra glass of water before every meal. Notice how your energy changes as you gently shift your activities.

As you take care of your body and listen to its messages, you will be guided to better health, strength, and balance.

To Better Balance!

Michael Thomas Sunnarborg

Find better balance in your life, relationships, and work. 
Visit 21daystobetterbalance.com and learn more.